Chapter 12

So life still sucks. I can’t believe that my life has been reduced to this, a bed. I can’t leave the bed yet. Dr Emma said that my internal wound must heal. It’s so pathetic.
Life carried on without me. It carried on while I slept and still carried on with me in this stupid bed

Can you wake up from a long dream?
Can you really wake up.?
And have all your senses at tune?
Can you feel alive again?

I felt so bored with my life. Everyday was the same.
Jamie came regularly and my mom came everyday. Brian was coming more and more, but for short periods of time. He'd come to my room for 5 minutes and disappears for an hour. It was weird
Ray and Bob came from time to time, as well as Mikey and Alicia.
Alicia always talked indirectly about Gerard and his comic and about him in general. Gerard was missing. Since that day when I told him I didn’t love him anymore he had disappeared. Sometimes I wonder if he was alright. When he told me he was taking pills again it broke a little part inside of me, not as his ex lover, not like a man who once loved him, but like a friend. It broke me inside that he was hurting himself in that way, but I was dying inside myself. The last time, the only time I ever smiled lately is when the pansies arrived. The same card always. The same handwriting. I knew it was Gerard. It was his hand writing, but I like to forgot who was from and just enjoy the detail. But since a week ago or so there were no more pansies.
I asked Mikes if he knew something. He told me that Gerard has enough of his own problems, he wouldn't be sending flowers.
“Okay. Don’t kill me it was a simple question,” His face was serious, He’s been like this lately, always mad at me.
“I was just answering.” He fixed his hair, looked at the ceiling. “You asked him not to look out for you anymore. And now you’re complaining?” He raised an eye brow and looked at me. Then his eyes when back to the ceiling. Alicia looked uncomfortable, She looked at Mikey and then at me and tried to say something.
Where did that came from?
“I’m not complaining.”
“Just leave him alone.”
“Ok,” I said trying to remain calm.
“OK!” He suddenly yelled at me. That was enough.
“So leave me alone too!” I pointed at the door.
“OK!” He left and slammed the door behind him. Alicia stayed there for a couple of minutes in silence.
“What’s his problem?”
“It's his brother. You have to understand that..”
“His brother is the one that screwed up in case you don’t remember!!!” I yelled at her too.
“I’m sorry” She just left in silence.
People were going mad. What’s Mikey problem? Is not like I wanted Gerard behind me the whole time.
But, I guess... those flowers….I don’t know anymore.
I guess I miss loving Gerard; I miss loving someone. I miss feeling that fast beating and butterflies in my stomach, being nervous about how you look. Having a reason to get up in the shitty mornings. He had taken that away from me. He had taken so many things away form me. I started to hate him. I cursed the moment I kissed him for the first time, the moment I decided to love him.